Only in New Zealand ...

Peg, an ardent tree hugging Greenie bought a block of partly forested land south of Hokitika to ensure that the remainder wouldn't be logged.

The focus of her delight was a large tree on the high point of the farm where she would spend many happy moments hugging this fine specimen,

But she suddenly had a brainwave. If she was to use a bear hugging motion perhaps she could climb high enough to look out over her newly acquired land and trees.

She reached the first branches and startled an angry possum... lost her grip and slid down the trunk... a motion which caused a pile of nasty splinters and rough bark to inflict very painful injuries to her private parts.

In agony she travelled to the nearest Doctor who took one look and asked her to take a seat in the waiting room.

Three hours past and the pain was awful.

When the doctor appeared she complained bitterly that she had been neglected.

"Where the hell have you been? You deliberately neglected me! Here I am in terrible pain."

"Oh no lady I have been very busy on your case, I had to consult the Treaty of Waitangi, the Department of Conservation, the West Coast Regional Council, and the local Maori Iwi. But do you know what the major delay was" he asked.

"No?"

"I had to get a Resource Management Consent to remove ancient native vegetation from a recreational area.

Trivia Time

(By BUDDHA AK 407)
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That's an exceedingly odd number.    Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the
pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools
that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay!   Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would
break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because
that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England)
for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army
chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses!

Now, the twist to the story
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.

The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the  SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains.

The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.

The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track,
as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
And -
 
You thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

Winter has arrived in Africa.

Just in case you don’t get it, that’s an iron upside down on the seat powered by a battery.

Johns Humour

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
 
Well, for example, yesterday I went into a shop in town.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
 
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"
 
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.
 
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
 
So I called him a piece of dog shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
 
  Personally, I didn't give a damn.
 
My car was parked around the corner.
 
  I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age. 

Gerard's Humour

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
 
Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
 
Lion says: "If I roar on the savannah, the entire savannah is afraid of me."
 
Says the chicken: "Big deal... I only have to cough and the entire planet craps itself...." 

Mother-In-Law

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them,
" You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the
Holy Land for $150.
 
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150.
 
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Dogs Humour

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

With best wishes, Dog.

The Cat

The Dog

Some things to ponder

1. Those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?